23. Ordering tea at Starbucks

I don’t go to Starbucks much.  Makes sense because I don’t drink coffee.  I am, however, a tea drinker and on the odd occasion that I’ve found myself in a Starbucks, I’ve attempted to order a cup of tea.  Do you have any idea what an ordeal it is?  There’s no such thing as just plain tea… instead, you have to specify which tea you’d like and – you guessed it – they all have stupid names!  You’re forced to choose from the likes of ‘Awake’, ‘Passion’, ‘Zen’, ‘Lotus’, and ‘Berryblossom’.  The first time I found myself in this situation, I looked at all the stupid names and thought to myself ‘they can’t be serious!’.  All I wanted was a cup of tea so when it was my turn, I was pretty up-front.  I wasn’t going to use a silly name and said that alI I wanted was regular tea.  The clerk (sorry, ‘barrista’ or something stupid like that) was dumbstruck… ‘what do you mean – regular tea?’  ‘you know’, I replied, ‘just regular tea – nothing fancy – just plain regular tea’.  I could tell that she wasn’t impressed but she pushed no further on that topic.  Instead she moved on to her next line of questioning – What size did I want?  Tall, Grande, or Venti?  Again, I thought to myself… are you serious??  I mumbled something like ‘whatever large is’ and eventually, I was presented with a massive cup of green tea…  Ok, so maybe green tea might pass as regular tea in say, China, but I was in Milwaukee at the time.   Needless to say, I have not spent much time in a Starbucks since.  Nor have I returned to Milwaukee.  I’m happy with both decisions.

22. Anglos trying to pronounce French words like Francophones

I once knew a pretentious twit from a shi-shi part of Toronto.  He was only fluent in English, but was desperate to show off how those french classes at his ‘elite-even-though-it-was-public’ high school had practically made him bilingual.  We once went on a road trip to Montreal and he insisted on calling it “More-eeee-al”.  I thought we were going to the museum of fine arts and he corrected me… we were in fact going to la musee des beaux arts, or “la mu-say day bows are” as he liked to pronounce it.  Ugh…  I wonder if they sell t-shirts in Montreal with a big arrow on them that say “je suis avec stupide”.  If they do, I’ll ask for one in English.

21. Paying for Plastic Bags

This is such a scam!  Do people seriously thing we’re helping the environment here?  No… we’re being scammed and we’re stupid for putting up with it.  What’s actually happening is that we are being deprived of a basic human right – the free Plastic Bag (PB).  First, let’s look at the logic from the ‘other side’…  the Anti-Plastics think that we’ll all balk at paying a nickel for a plastic bag (ok, they’re right so far) and when we opt for cloth bags instead, PB usage will go down, and eventually the PB will be consigned to the junk heap of history along with Milli Vanilli, acid washed jeans, and the McDonalds Arch Deluxe.  There of course are many problems with this:

1.  If you thought paying five cents for a PB was too steep, what about paying a few dollars for a reusable bag?  The big chains hope you’re that stupid.

2.  Now that you don’t have your free PBs, what are you going to use for garbage bags under your sink, or to pick up your dog’s poop?  Gee, how about you pay a few dollars for a small package of commercially-made bags? The big chains hope you’re that stupid.

3.  What happens when your reusable bags become all dirty from meat juices and vegetable dirt?  Are you going to actually wash them?  No, of course you won’t…you’ll buy some new ones.   At least the big chains selling them hope you’re that stupid.

4.  The big chains are also hoping you’re stupid enough not to realize that they’re (a) saving money by not giving away free PBs, (b) making money by charging for PBs that used to be free, (c) making money by selling reusable bags, and (d) making money by selling more commercially-made bags.  It’s win-win-win, money-money-money, all around.  And all in the name of saving the planet.  Awwww….

So here’s what you can do.  Don’t shop at any store that charges for PBs but instead, get yourself to a Wal-Mart as soon as possible.  At Wal-Mart, free PBs are akin to a god-given right.  They’ll give you as many as you need for whatever you need.   ‘Can I get that gum bagged separately?  Sure!’  ‘How about another bag for this can of Coke? Sure!’.  It’s great…  Oh, and there’s one last benefit.  Just think how pissed off all of those stupid Anti-Plastics will be when they learn that they’ve actually helped Wal-Mart make even MORE money!

20. Pajama Pants

Let’s get one thing straight.  Pajama pants are great if you’re in bed.  Otherwise, they’re stupid.  Wearing them in public (this means any place where other people can see you in your pajama pants) is wrong.  It sends a clear message to everyone that you’ve given up.  But just because you’ve given up, I shouldn’t be subjected to the resulting fashion disaster.  Not even when I’m in Dollarama and I’m seemingly surrounded by PJ-bottoms (all of which, by the way, seem to be held up by women with plus-sized bottoms).

19. Restaurant menus

Sometimes, I just hate restaurant menus.  Perhaps I’ve spotted a really cool burger that combines chicken, beef, and bacon and I want to try it.  Then I notice that the restaurant has given the dish a really stupid name – something like ‘the oink-cluck-moo burger’.  Know what?  There is no way in hell that I am asking for an ‘oink-cluck-moo burger’.  Never.  I went to a ‘gourmet burger’ place a few months ago and the menu was ridiculous…  there must have been over 50 burger combinations, almost all of which had stupid names.  Want to ask for the Hunka Hunka Burnin Love burger?  Didn’t think so.  How about the SK8R Boy?  Nope.  Sum Yung Guy?  Rear Ender? Limp Brisket? Nope, nope, and Nope again. (and no, this place -unbelievably – doesn’t cater to a gay clientele).  The best part was when the waitress explained that none of the combinations really meant anything – we should just tell her what we wanted on our burgers…  Then why put it on the stupid menu in the first place?

18. Square Cars

Why am I still seeing Nissan Cubes on the road?  Or any other square car for that matter?  Remember a couple of years ago when square cars were the new ‘in thing’?  No they weren’t… they were stupid.  The Ford Flex looks like a hearse while the Nissan Cube looks like a hearse for midgets.  I’ll give the Kia Soul a pass only because of the cool commercial that aired when it was introduced.  Turns out that car-driving hamsters aren’t stupid at all – they’re actually kinda cute.

17. Texting during Meetings

How annoying is it when people text or check emails on their various devices during meetings?  What these idiots want you to think is:  “ooh… that person must be so important!  Look at all of the emails they’re getting!  They must be dealing with something really important right now and they’re obviously important themselves”.  What we’re actually thinking is “that idiot doesn’t think that our meeting is important”.  It’s rude, it’s insulting, and we all think so.  Put down your iphone or Blackberry and pay attention!  Your attempts to look more important than the rest of us just make you look stupid.

16. Listening to Leonard Cohen sing

Ok, so I’ll take some flack from a friend for this one, but here goes….  I once stayed at a friend’s place for a few days and was playing around with her CD player.  It was one of those players that held six CDs and I was trying to figure out how to work it.  Before I knew it, the thing was jammed and would only play the same CD over and over again.  Yes – her boyfriend’s Leonard Cohen CD.  It was all-Leonard all the time and was the longest, most depressing afternoon of my life.  The only time I sang ‘Hallelujah’ was when she came home and showed me how to eject the damn CD.  Truly awful nonesense and I’m baffled by his hardcore fans.  Air Farce nailed it with this video.

15. Truck Nutz

Have you seen these?  Metal balls hanging from the back of the truck in front of you?  Ew. People who use these truck nutz are f@ck nutz.  They’re driving something bigger than a small ocean-going vessel down a city street and still feel the need to make their vehicle stand out even more?  How about sticking those balls on a vehicle that actually needs balls.  Like a Prius.  Or anything build by Fiat.

14. Thinking before Printing

I can’t tell you how much this one annoys me….  the smug little reminder at the bottom of emails to ‘consider the environment before printing this email’.  Makes me want to puke.  If I want to print an email, I will.  And if I see your stupid message at the bottom of an email, then I’ll probably print it three times just to feel better (and then casually toss all three copies into the garbage). BAM!